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'American Idol': Judging the Judges, Week 4

Backstage drama during Hollywood Week’s Group Night kept most of Week 4’s focus on the contestants — but don’t think that gave our brave American Idol untouchables an excuse to shy away from the spotlight. Welcome back to Judging the Judges, our weekly power ranking* of Keith Urban, Jennifer Lopez, and Harry Connick Jr. during the final Idol-sponsored round of their ongoing quest to become the greatest self-promoter this world has ever seen.

*Unlike Harry’s fierce commitment to bad puns, the Judging the Judges points system is 100 percent arbitrary and subject to change.

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First up, a hearty 50 points go to all three judges for somehow maintaining composure in the face of 190 warbling teens desperate to make an impression up close. TOO CLOSE.

KEITH URBAN

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200 points for Keith’s subtle yet effective “So glad that’s over” lean-back following Jaci Butler’s extra-screechy solo. (And a bonus 50 to J. Lo for putting everyone out of their misery.)

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+15 for a valiant attempt to upstage Jennifer’s gold lamé jumpsuit with his magical watch.

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+1 for looking as strung-out as possible as he explained to Idol’s potential superstars: “Everyone’s fatigued. Welcome to your career.”

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+100 for reviving long enough to convincingly groove along with Jeneve Rose Mitchell’s “Boondocks” cover.

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+20 for insisting up in Balcony Chat (commoners need not apply) that he’d flat-out refuse to perform choreography should he himself be thrust into Hollywood Week: “I would make you all look like my dancers.”

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+75 for the bonus pop of heavage during Keith’s only standing O on Group Night.

JENNIFER LOPEZ

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200 points for mirroring the sentiments of every fan who’s stuck around for 15 seasons. Finally, some validation!

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+50 for matching the outline of her hairstyle to her diamond-encrusted ear cuffs.

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+100 for this unexpected dance move — let’s call it the Self-Love Scratch — which you’d think would be an elaborate way of announcing her signature “goosies” but turned out to have nothing to do with goosies. “BFFs foreverrrrr!” Jenny purred as a girl group exited stage left. “That’s sweet.” (Any mention of the goosies phenomenon is an automatic -200 for Ms. Lo.)

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+50 for dancing along with a group called the Trick or Treat Tribe with just enough oomph that her overall expression reads: “Meh.”

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+10 for graciously pausing for applause after scolding brutal egomaniac Eliz Camacho that the reason she’s been wildly successful as long as she has is that people like to work with her.

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+20 for upping the intrigue in general by seducing her pen.

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-50 for pretending she’d stay up all night before Group Round — so obviously the contestants should do the same — during a swift beeline to her limo.

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-200 for giving everyone the munchies by snarfing gluten-free chocolate every few minutes. “I’m starving myself!” she added for effect before the latest group of contestants could start singing. “Anyway, we’re ready.”

HARRY CONNICK JR.

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50 points for dutifully indulging Jennifer during her Best Actress in a Reality Series Emmy clip.

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+4 for mastering the classic three-second Judges Fake-Out after separating contestants into two rows for dramatic purposes only (any longer and it’s just cruel). “All four of you are going through!”

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+20 for delivering bad news in a relatively straightforward manner when the situation called for it. “Homeboy. Louisiana. I love your spirit, but it just wasn’t good,” Harry told 16-year-old Cameron Richard.

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-50 for getting a little too self-righteous about using serious showmanship to “respect that big blue oval” while blending into the scenery himself.

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-100 for following through on every bad joke that occurs to him. “Gimme a beet!”

RYAN SEACREST

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100 points for risking his life (not to mention his virgin ears) to travel “off the grid” to the Kodak Theatre’s cheap seats.

FINAL TALLY FOR WEEK 4:

Keith Urban wins with 461 points!
Jennifer Lopez: 230.
Ryan Seacrest: 100.
Harry Connick Jr.: -26

Don’t be fooled by Harry’s meager score: This is by far the best he’s performed all season. Tune in this week to see the New Orleans crooner potentially soar into the positive integers!

American Idol airs Wednesdays and Thursdays at 8 p.m. on Fox.